A Simple Economic Reform...

According to 2009 US Census Bureau information, 43.6 Million Americans now live in poverty. (Census info)

With Americans drowning in consumer debt, saddled by mortgage payments on homes that are no longer worth what they where purchased for, many Americans have one great important question:

How will I afford all of THIS STUFF?

Black Friday is coming, that day America bows at the Alter of its secret god, Money, in order to buy presents to celebrate the Holiday of one of its "legit" gods, Jesus. But, these last few years it seems people's plastic doesn't stretch as far- they're maxed out, behind on payments, and about to get into some serious trouble with creditors.

Its a real heartbreaker. How will we as American parents celebrate the birth of our savior, advocate of modest living, without lavishing our children with an assortment of war toys, dolls to defeat their body images, and other wonderful consumer goods? How will we impart the true values of our society to the next generation, if we cannot show them all this..stuff?

Clearly, something is wrong with the economic system. Americans can't keep piling on debt- its irresponsible, and most importantly, the creditors have a threshold. So how do we fix this? How do we buy the stuff we want and alleviate the debt-related crises that helped to push so many Americans into poverty?

Rather than moralize and point my fingers at the system of consumption, instead of declaring our ways immoral, bankrupt, and irresponsible, I've chosen a simpler, more optimistic approach. A simple reform, that will help all Americans afford that hot toy this year, whatever that toy may be. I've decided that it is not the system of capitalism that needs to be abolished, but the way we exchange for goods. Yes, for my reform, I simply looked to the marketplace for examples. What would work better for everyone than cash and credit? What could we exchange for goods instead? And then it dawned on me:

FIGHT TO THE DEATH.

Its simple, really.

Lets say you're at Target, and you want an Elmo doll, but you can't afford it. Ok, then you can challenge the retailer to a fight to the death. If you win, you get the elmo (and really, anything else in the store you want), if you lose, you die. And maybe the minimum wage worker who defeated you takes what little money you had in your pockets. Now let's say another customer wants the same product you got. Again, another round of bloodsport. Fight to the death. These rounds would carry on like so until there where no new challengers, meanwhile less sought after goods could be purchased the "traditional way" by other consumers. However, these "traditional buyers" would still be privy to a duel challenge.

This system offers some clear benefits. For one, it truly levels the playing field. The rich may be able to afford more high end products, but can they defend them? The working class now has a chance to bring home a mercedes for christmas, provided the dealer isn't a proficient martial artist. Secondarily, it does not create more debt. Even the family of the deceased could challenge the funeral parlor for debt on the funeral costs. Clearly not creating more debt is a great boone of my system. As more people are killed battling for goods and resources, the country's  GDP should be positively affected. Since invariably, the poor will have to fight each other more frequently than other groups, this economic plan has the possibility of decreasing the poverty rate in our country by 50% OR MORE! Furthermore, dead consumers drop demand, leading to a decrease in prices and overall production- creating a more ecologically sound, sustainable system than we currently have.

I hope this Christmas, Walmart looks a little more like THIS.